Through the example of my grandmothers, loving adults at church, parents of some of my friends and a few wonderful teachers I learned that our highest calling is to help those who are in need and to be compassionate and kind toward those who are faced with difficult challenges. I learned to reject hatred, prejudice, and meanness toward others in favor of love, inclusiveness, and kindness.
Those are the fundamental moral messages from my Oklahoma childhood that inform my beliefs and actions today.
I learned other things growing up in Oklahoma: I was taught that gays and lesbians--they were called “homosexuals” in those days--were inferior people. I wasn’t exactly sure what it meant to be “homosexual” but I saw that it was common for many people to use derogatory terms like “homo,” “queer,” or “faggot” to torment those who were different. I observed that teachers and parents never objected to cruel teasing and harassment of effeminate boys or masculine girls.
As an adult I have enjoyed my close friendships with gay and lesbian people. I owe them a tremendous debt of gratitude for their patience with my initial discomfort, born out of ignorance. Through conversation and occasional heated debates I have learned to liberate myself from the fear and rejection of sexuality which differs from my own. My life is enriched because I became aware of my own bigotry and I learned to let go of the need to make distinctions based on sexual orientation.
Ten years ago I was confronted with my own youthful moral failings. As my lifelong friend Eric lay dying in his beautiful home I, and several of his close friends, sat by his side. During his last week I would crawl in bed with Eric and hold him as we listened to music or whispered remembrances of sailing, Mrs. Miller’s third grade class, wonderful meals and hilarious adventures and misadventures. As Eric slept more and more I browsed the book shelves which lined his bedroom. The day before he died I found our ninth grade yearbook. Smiling I quickly took it from the shelf but as I read the messages to Eric from our classmates my smile vanished and my stomach churned. The vast majority of inscriptions on the pages devoted to autographs were hateful; some suggested that Eric wear a dress, a couple opined that he should live in the zoo and more than one used the word “fag”. My cheeks were burning as I searched for my message to Eric. Hoping that I had written a warm, supportive message to my friend I finally found my girlish handwriting. “It has been interesting being your friend, even though you have changed A LOT!” Have fun at Holland Hall. I hope you fit in better there.”
Those words still make me sick. Why in the world had Eric forgiven me for abandoning him in junior high? How I wanted to apologize for my callous indifference to his youthful pain. I wanted to kneel at his beside and beg for forgiveness but thankfully I knew my desire was self indulgent. Eric did not regain consciousness until the last moment of his life so we never had the opportunity to discuss the cruelty of Nimitz Junior High. I promised myself that day that I would never again turn away from hatred and injustice. That is why I no longer worship in churches that practice bigotry. That is why this week I devoted my FB status to Freedom To Marry week. That is why I am writing about my support for gay marriage.
Here is a quick review of my reasons for supporting gay marriage:
1. I believe the Constitution already grants the right to marry to gays. In Loving vs. Virginia the Supreme Court stated:
"The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men. ... Marriage is one of the 'basic civil rights of man,' fundamental to our very existence and survival,"and the ruling in Griswold vs. Connecticut says,
"We deal with a right ... older than the Bill of Rights--older than our political parties, older than our school system."
2. I agree with Stanford law professor Lawrence Lessig who says it is wrong to deny to some what the state gives to many.
3. I reject the notion that gay marriage is a threat to hetero-sexual marriage. As Lessig points out divorce is threatening to the institution of marriage. Gay marriage, an example of people dedicating themselves to one another, is a celebration not an attack on a sacred institution.
4. Sexual orientation is not a choice and it is morally wrong to deny people the right to love and happiness because for their inborn sexuality.
Through my work and in my life I try to help create a world where there is greater love, better understanding, dignity and respect toward all, regardless of race, faith or lack of faith, and regardless of sexual orientation. That is the definition of A Civilization Worthy of the Name.
